Defeat

I cried for three days and then something snapped. I woke up and I was back to feeling nothing, of course, besides mental pain. It felt like the sun had just started to peak out, but then the storms came in before I was able to even enjoy the warmth. That’s when I thought, if […]

Hate

Hate is nothing new to me especially when it comes to hating myself. Everyone has their moments when they dislike themselves for some reason, but with depression it’s there all the time. It’s like the tide. Sometimes it’s low, in the back of your mind and sometimes it’s high, at the forefront of your mind […]

Treading Water

I’m treading murky water and I’ve been here for a while with weights tied to my legs. The thing is I was never very good at swimming and my legs are getting tired.

Reasons

I found another journal entry from about 6 months ago. Here it is, unedited: “How’s your depression thing going?” Oh you know. Every day I wish I were dead. “Fine.” I don’t think anyone knows how truly horrible this is and if you told them they’d wish you hadn’t. Who do you talk to about […]

Before the Medication

I have recently found a notebook where I happened upon an old journal entry I had made from before I got the courage to go speak to a doctor and get the medication I needed. So here it is, unedited:   Normally I like to see other people happy because it makes me happy… Well […]

Depression is a Contradiction

Sitting here, not able to sleep, thinking about how much it doesn’t make sense. You can feel ok and horrible at the same time. You can feel nothing and everything all at once. You can be yearning for human contact and help but screaming for them to get away at the same time. You want […]

Numb

I had heard people talk about feeling everything and nothing all at once, but I never understood it until my depression kicked in. Yes, sometimes your emotions are so crazy that you’re exploding trying to handle them all but other times there’s nothing, no feeling. I used to develop little crushes on people very quickly. […]