Numb forever?

I’m still feeling numb. I have barely cried for my uncle or over my breakup. I feel like I was feeling so much that I built a wall so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. It must be my defense mechanism. Ever since I was little I would try my hardest to hold back my crying. Since that’s something I have always done I don’t ever remember full on sobbing without holding something back, not in a long time. That only ever happened at funerals and even now I can’t even cry the amount I’m supposed to. I start to feel and I push it back. There’s no room for it and what would crying do anyway? So I guess I’ve pushed myself back into this hole where I force myself to feel things most of the time or fake it; either until it becomes real or until I can’t anymore. Maybe it’s better that I can’t feel the emotional pain I should be feeling. It’s all too much to try and handle on top of all this other shit I deal with daily. I hope the wall never comes down because if it does I fear it will be a horrible ordeal and will be very hard to come back from.

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