Embarrassed

Today I cleaned (some) of my place for the first time in months. I can’t even guess how many it has been so long. This and many other reasons are reasons I never let anybody come over. My mom happened to peek in and see how bad it was and made a comment about it. It weighed on me for a week making me feel more and more shitty until I found some energy and motivation to get some of it done. I’m embarrassed by the amount of things I have put off, but should I be embarrassed? It’s part of the disease after all. It’s not who I am. I could be a little messy, but not nearly how bad I’ve been. I’m on medicine that’s been helping by a lot but it can’t give you motivation. The B vitamins don’t seem to give me the energy I need. I’m still tired all the time and need my naps &/or to sleep half the day.

So I’m going to talk about things that I’m embarrassed about that is because of this shit disease.

I left a pan of food I made from christmas in my fridge. I just scraped it out last month. 7 months in the fridge. Now the dish has been sitting half cleaned for over a month.

I have 2 sinks full of dishes I haven’t cleaned in months. I’ve run out of bowls and plates. Just the thought of washing them is exhausting, but that’s my next task.

I’ve let my hair go unbrushed for so long it was starting to dread on its own.

I’ve let my hair on my legs grow so long I had to shave 3 times to get them smooth.

I’ve gone unshowered for over a week.

I’ve gone weeks lying to friends and family so I wouldn’t have to leave my house.

I went months sleeping on the couch because climbing the stairs to my bed seemed impossible.

I’ve gone so long without a meal before I couldn’t even remember the last time I had eaten anything.

I’ve cut myself because I couldn’t bear the thoughts in my head any more and needed a release.

I’ve called off work from a block away because I just couldn’t handle the thought of being there that day.

I’ve cried myself to sleep in desperate need of any type of human contact, but too embarrassed and weak feeling to ask for it.

I’ve gone weeks wearing the same pair of pajamas.

I’m sure some of you have experienced this and even more. We shouldn’t be embarrassed. This is what this illness does to us. Fighting is so hard. Asking for help is important.

Feel free to share things you’ve been through that you should not be embarrassed by.

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