I actually skipped my medicine a couple times this week. I was feeling pretty good so I guess I forgot. I thought I was doing pretty well… But you know how one thought gets in your head and then it throws you back into your hole? I was invited out but I avoided it because I did have some other small things to do. Only now did I realize why I actually avoided going to have fun with someone I love. I feel unworthy. Even though he invites me places and thanks me for my company saying how much fun he had I still feel like it’s not true.
He’s one of those people that’s just great down to the core. He has so many friends (probably because of how awesome he is) so I always feel like I’m just a last resort. I feel like he feels like he has to talk to me. Maybe he feels obligated or feels bad for me. And now that I negated going with him he didn’t get to experience something he wanted to because I didn’t go with him. So that feels even worse… But at the same time I was his second choice. Who knows? Maybe I was his last. Maybe he only asked me because I’m so pathetic I come running whenever he calls.
You know. I can blame skipping my medicine all I want but deep down this is how I always feel. I spend time with him whenever he asks because without him I feel nothing. I am nothing. With him I can at least pretend that we’re on the same level and I’m worthy of his time and attention; but that’s not true. We were never on the same level and we never will be. He is a king and I’m a peasant. He’s only preoccupied with me because of a lack of interest in someone on his level now, but he won’t always be. Every day I wonder when will be the last time he texts me, talks to me, asks to see me, because I know it’s coming. Your worth doesn’t change because you want it to. You’ll always be the small, invalid person you are.