I found another journal entry from about 6 months ago. Here it is, unedited:
“How’s your depression thing going?”
Oh you know. Every day I wish I were dead. “Fine.”
I don’t think anyone knows how truly horrible this is and if you told them they’d wish you hadn’t. Who do you talk to about it when no one truly understands it? Not saying I’m the only one dealing with it. I know there are tons, but damn. Everyone has a reason. Everyone has a situation to get over that will solve their problems. I don’t. Mom says maybe I do but I just don’t know it… I doubt it.
This is something I have struggled with since I realized what my issue was and went to the doctor. I don’t have a “reason” to be depressed. Some of my friends that are depressed had horrible things happen to them like abuse or come from broken homes. Everyone told me about how once they dealt with their past issues, that helped them deal with their depression; they had to change their mindset. I don’t have past issues. I wasn’t abused, I have a wonderful family, and I have a good life. I have nothing to confront. I had a hard time talking to people about it because while I felt they could understand my situation, they couldn’t understand it fully. I had no problem to overcome.
I find it funny and also irritating when people suggest things to me. They think I’m just being stubborn when I say it won’t help, but I’m not. These things don’t always happen as they do for others and sometimes I need to remember that. I have received suggestions like, “don’t think so negative.” That one is my favorite actually. It makes me laugh if I’m not feeling bitter. Don’t think so negative??? You think I choose to think this way? I don’t choose to think negatively. Are there sometimes where you help yourself down that dark path? Absolutely, but it is hardly ever my choice. I’ll be sitting down having a laugh with my significant other discussing how much fun we had and my brain tells me in the middle of all that to grab the steak knife on the table and shove it into my throat. Why would anyone choose to think that? It pops up out of nowhere. These thoughts intrude no matter what kind of mood or what conversations you are having. People that don’t experience this probably have a hard time understanding, but no I don’t bring it on myself.
My mom likes to say, “just think positively. Combat the negative with positives.” What she doesn’t understand is I can’t possibly combat my negatives with positives if I don’t believe it at all. For example; she thinks if I have a thought about feeling unworthy, I should in turn think of reasons why I am worthy and that will help turn it around. The problem is I’m not worthy. I never am and I never will be. I can’t fight with ammo that isn’t there. I can’t tell myself that I am loved and cared for when I don’t believe any of it. I am here because that’s how life works. People deal with me because I’m here. When I’m gone it won’t really effect anything. My presence effects nothing because I am nothing.