I have recently found a notebook where I happened upon an old journal entry I had made from before I got the courage to go speak to a doctor and get the medication I needed. So here it is, unedited:
Normally I like to see other people happy because it makes me happy… Well maybe not happy entirely, maybe more like relieved? Because I know they’re happy and not feeling like shit. Especially my friends and family, but not tonight. I’ve been teetering back and forth between ok and miserable and I want everyone to feel it. I want everyone to feel as shitty as I have felt so they understand. I want them to appreciate their happiness and also never push someone towards that edge.
Everyone has someone to go to. Some days I just need someone to hug me and tell me that they’re glad I’m there. Nothing else. Just let me know there’s a reason I’m still here. It’s a ridiculous thought to think and even more ridiculous and weak to need it. How could I ever ask when even thinking it makes me feel even worse? What kind of person needs someone else to feel worthy? Someone painfully fragile.
At first I wasn’t sure if I should post something like this. It shows sides of me that I would never want to show to anyone I know. It shows me being extremely callous while also fragile and codependent. Even though reading back and remember how I would feel and think at some times feels shameful to me I think it is something that should be shared. People need to understand how and why some people don’t speak out or speak their minds. It’s not always the nicest, brightest thing but I believe that those are the things the world needs to see. Also maybe it can help us feel less alienated knowing others have these feelings and thoughts and less embarrassed for experiencing these feelings that this illness brings on.