Numb

I had heard people talk about feeling everything and nothing all at once, but I never understood it until my depression kicked in. Yes, sometimes your emotions are so crazy that you’re exploding trying to handle them all but other times there’s nothing, no feeling.

I used to develop little crushes on people very quickly. Not necessarily in the relationship kind of way but a crush on their personality. I love experiencing people; how they feel, what they feel, and why they feel it. That hasn’t happened in years. I almost didn’t realize that had changed either. I thought my last relationship had just made me sour. I didn’t realize it until my current boyfriend got me to experience a glimpse of what I used to feel. Then I realized how deep the numbness actually went.

I don’t get scared or nervous any more. Those feelings were pretty normal for me… Pretty normal for anyone, really. When there’s a close call and I’m in the passenger’s seat I hear myself gasp and I reach out my hands to steady myself, but I don’t actually feel scared. I realized it’s just habit now. Possibly even a facade to make me seem less affected by my depression. The first time I realized how bad it was was when I very nearly caused my death. It would’ve been a car accident that would not have left anyone in my car alive. I avoided the collision after hesitating. Not because I was scared into freezing, but because I was weighing mine and my passenger’s lives. After the near miss I noticed my friend was silent. I could feel her fear and hear her catch her breath. It was in that moment, a moment where I should’ve been frazzled by what had almost happened, that I truly understood the numb feeling. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t shaking; I was perfectly normal and I shouldn’t have been.

Since then I’ve been trying to feel scared and nervous. I have been able to feel sadness and even overwhelming love, but it is always fleeting. If I could choose between feeling everything or nothing at all, I would rather feel everything no matter how painful that can be.

~V